Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
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My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
new career option?
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone