“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
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Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.