I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
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ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
We have a winner.
I have a type: disappointing
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.