(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
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Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.