My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
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[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
She: I like Cats
He:
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
cats when you pet them too long:
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.