It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
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[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Passwords are more important than ever.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶