“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
You Might Also Like
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang