Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
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Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
this is the most humiliating day of my life
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH