Wednesday
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Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.