I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
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Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs