I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
You Might Also Like
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Venn
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Are you ok, human???
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.