Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
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Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!