My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
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INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Proctology is located in A55
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning