In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
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Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
I needed a laugh this morning.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.