guilty
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No, YOUR illiterate.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Is this you?
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*