Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
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Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
I’m tired tomorrow.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?