It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
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[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.