Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
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Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
It’s an epidemic…
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.