FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
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the dark web is just a goth google.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
n
s
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Snapes on a plane.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic