MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
You Might Also Like
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO