teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
You Might Also Like
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
North and South
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.