[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
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A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question