Made something I’m not proud of
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I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.