my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
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Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
😂😂😂
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way