I wish I were this cool 😂
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Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
jesus, what did this guy do
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline