NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
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If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
I am, perchance
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji