so, is there a mister shapen head
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He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit