In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
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To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
(Jupiter –
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.