I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
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I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.