[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
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<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.