Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
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i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!