I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
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GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂