How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
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The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
pictures of spider-man
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.