The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
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“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.