Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
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What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Same post same
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*