Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
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handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
it was a valiant fight
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.