How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
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Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Erm…
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.