May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
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“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb