Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
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How dude HOW?!
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years