I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
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Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Oh my God.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”