Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
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can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
🙂🙃🥹
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*