Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
You Might Also Like
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?