Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
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Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
subtitles are so good nowadays
Money is the root of all wealth
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’