criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
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👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.