Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
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– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
man i love columbo
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
This raises questions
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence