*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
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I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Try and stop me.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
it must be school picture day
If I ignore life will it go away?
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.