I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
You Might Also Like
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
the best thing i’ve ever made
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse