When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
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GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
the dark web is just a goth google.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Chicago sounds lovely.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.