Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
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Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
2 years later