When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
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I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke